Lapse

A lapse in my judgement lead to a large lapse in my drinking. 
It was about seven months ago when I was two years and two months sober when I met someone who changed my life for what I would call the worst, but it is obviously a learning experience. So I’ll start from the beginning. Four years and a month ago I lost the love of my life, my soulmate. I was young, I still am young so you might wonder how I know this, well I just know, the same way anyone knows! Love comes at different ages, at different times. I will take more about that experience of losing my soulmate and the effects it had on me in a later post, today I really want to focus on the last seven months.

It took me three, three and a half years before I opened up to any other males and to consider a relationship. This guy seemed good. He came to me in my life when I was sober, happy and content. He would call me beautiful and stunning in the beginning. We had lots of similar interests. (Boy it gives me anxiety typing this!) Near the time I broke it off he was telling me how much he hated my personality, and how crazy I was. He would make fun of my stretch marks, my personality, my sobriety, and my dead ex (who is still important to me). It didn’t take far into the “relationship” until I was thinking and wanting to drink again (I had been sober about 2 years at this point). I think we were together about a month or two before I had my first drink in years. That should have been enough of a sign to me that I needed to get out, but I stayed and things got so much worse. Always trust your gut is what I’ve learnt.


It was four months into the relationship when I was sexually assaulted, physically and mentally assaulted. That REALLY should have been enough for me to get out but I didn’t. I don’t know why. I still don’t know why… Of course those three factors really sent me into a downward spiral. Still even three months later it’s hard for me to talk about and think about. It makes me feel sick. I don’t know how someone who said they loved me could abuse me in those ways. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I turned inward to myself, to the bottle. It took me about three months after April for me to come forward and tell someone about the abuse. Luckily I’ve had lots of support from my friends about leaving my boyfriend, but I haven’t had support with quitting drinking again. My friends don’t think it’s as big of a deal as it is. Most of them have addictions and they’re just in denial. I think it bothers them to see someone getting help when they know they should too, but they can’t because they’re denying themselves. I know I can do this and I know I can get over the abuse and everything that happened, it just takes time and will power.


Since I came forward about my abuse I’ve been doing to therapy. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD again (I was first diagnosed with it after a few car accidents and my ex’s death a few years ago). I’ve been having crazy awful nightmares about him and the abuse. I have so much trouble sleeping! It’s so hard to do anything, but I know it’s a lot better with not drinking, feeling the raw emotions. I’m struggling now, but I cannot imagine how much more I’d be struggling if I was drinking as well.


Now it’s been about 15 days! I’m still having nightmares. I’m still struggling with the side effects of PTSD, not drinking, wanting to drink, and thinking about my abusive ex. I still wonder why the abuse happened to me. Why he chose me to do this to. Had there been others? Will there be others in the future? I wonder if I should have done more for myself. If I should have done something for the future girlfriends, but there wasn’t much I could do. There’s no evidence and we all know how the media treats and betrays victims of sexual abuse. I turned to the bottle instead of to the police, but I was scared.

It’s been almost a month since I broke up with him and I’m still fearful of him. I fear for myself, my dogs, my family, and for other girls. I would never want the abuse that happened to me to happen to anyone else. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. I still think of him. I wonder if I made the right choice. If I’ll ever get to feel love again (from another human. Right now I feel my dog is my second soulmate lol). If anyone will accept me for who I am now and for what happened to me.

Thanks for reading 🖤

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